Saturday, November 10, 2007

Tulane Places Genitals of Auburn Players in Salad Shooter

That's how bad the Tulane Green Wave Men's Basketball Heroes messed up the Auburn Tigers last night in Fogelman Arena. Our boys destroyed those freaks. Demolished them. Broke them down spiritually, made them question why they were even on the basketball court. I am going to emulate the Jeffrey and his fantastic Saint's recaps in my quest to clue everyone into the growing phenomenon that is Green Wave Basketball.

First, to the new members of the bandwagon:

I have been obsessed with Tulane Green Wave basketball since the days of Coach Shawn Finney and his highly motivational lisp. We were awful, his rotations and in-game decisions were inexplicable. Fogelman Arena was always empty and listless. The Shockwave Dancers were unattractive and uncoordinated. The Soundwave Band was uninspired, off-key, and off-beat. There was this annoying short guy with an annoying facial hair arrangement that would walk around with a microphone barking commands at the fans always prefaced with an imploring and desperate "c'mon guys!" He would walk up and down the sideline near the students section and talk into his mic, which was always up too loud and say things like "c,mon guys, this is YOUR tulane green wave, lets all stand and support YOUR wave, c'mon you guys." And then the Soundwave Band would start playing "The Final Countdown" by Europe totally off rhythm.

Slowly, improvements have been made. Shawn Finney and his lisp were let go. New Coach Dave Dickerson came in from the University of Maryland and things began to change. He had lots of Katrina-related challenges: transferring players, lack of facilities, uncertainty about whether the program would even continue... But, the Coach Dickerson got results on the court, getting the most out of his players. He turned undersized, turnover prone, terrible walk-on Andrew Garcia into a serviceable backup point guard. Our other point man last year was Freshman Kevin Sims. Somehow, we kicked out conference sched.'s ass and finished fourth in CUSA.

Expectations are certainly higher this year, the team lost only one starter from last year's over-achieving squad. Yet, prognosticators seemed to think the Wave will backslide. I am on the record predicting otherwise. I have watched Seniors David Gomez, Matt Wheaton, and Donnavan (Formerly Donnie) Stith since they were freshman, I have seen how hard the boys fight for Coach Dickerson. Thus, even though other teams in the conference may have better athletes and might have more polished players, no team will scrap harder than the Green Wave. That is why we WILL be in the NIT this year, we could have 20 wins, and in my wildest fantasies, we somehow end up as a 12 or 13 seed in the NCAA tournament.

So I've been on this bandwagon for a long time.

And I was surprised, elated, and upset to see such a large drunken crowd of greek boys and girls, and members of the NOLA community.

Welcome to the bandwagon, you johnny-come-latelys! Love the Wave! Stay away from my seats and don't talk to me. Okay?

THE GAME:

Last night, I avoided the whole moral conundrum about standing for the national anthem or getting all pissed off and yelling obscenities about the president by somehow arriving in the 30 seconds in between the anthem and tip-off.

There was a HUGE crowd. Either people are on the bandwagon or they were bribed by the cheap beer specials for students. There weren't a lot of seats up close like normal. I had to sit behind a row of 3 billion sorority girls that had crimped hair and jean jackets like we were in 1990.

We were down quickly on some Auburn 3's but played tenacious defense and clawed back. The big question going into this year is how to replace Chris Moore's offense at the 2.

The Wave have done that and then some. Eric Vianney is now eligible to play after sitting out last year as a transfer from Indiana State. He is from Cameroon, which is sweet. He seems to have a nice touch and a great first step. He got a lot of minutes and looks tough for his height. We also have redshirt Freshman Johnny Mayhanne who was hurt last year and wears number 23 because he has Jordan-esque confidence. He had 9 points at the half and looks like a shooter. Also we have true freshman Kris Richard, who wears the number 00. That is super cool. He looks buttery smooth like a short, less versatile version of Shawn Marion.

Ten guys will see regular action in the rotation. There is not one single player that will see regular playing time that will induce groans from the crowd. Everybody plays with energy can make a play.

We were up at the half by plenty with a 38-24 lead.

As Coach Dave Dickerson has dragged this program through a bout of competency, the production team at Fogelman Arena has been forced to go along with the game plan.

The Soundwave band has a hip new drummer that can keep the beat somehow. Their rendition of the "Final Countdown" was so on point. They played "Blister in the Sun" by the Violent Femmes. They had new instruments and more members than ever before. A sight to behold.

The Shockwave dancers have made a lot of cuts and are smaller in number than in years past, but in doing so they eliminated the girls that couldn't dance at all. They had highly coordinated and downright sexified routines that elicited whistles from the inebriated students and old men. I mean, I think we may have been served, even, though I'm not an expert. I cannot stress enough the magnitude of the transformation that has occurred.

At one point Auburn pulled within 9 during the second half, but the reality is that the Green Wave cruised no problem. We hit free throws, we had balanced scoring. Donnavan Stith, a senior, led the Wave with 12. Matt Wheaton, another senior had 9 points and 9 rebounds. Sophomore Kevin Sims looks like a veteran already, providing 6 assists and selflessly passing on shots he would have forced last year. The new options at shooting guard all looked better than anything we've ever had here. Robinson Louisme provided energy in the post. Everything clicked. It was a great night. The girls had crimped hair in front of me. Just unbelievable.

It is the culmination of everything I've been waiting for as a Green Wave fan... They're actually a good team now. It's not nearly as embarrassing to admit I go to the games. I'm going on the record to call a victory over LSU next month.

Special note: There was one jackass sitting in the reserved seats that blocked people from sitting in front of him, saying his "friends" bought the tickets for the seats. His "friends" never showed up. He was a total dick about it, the arena was packed, why not let people sit in unoccupied reserved seats? What the hell was your problem? And then, when we kicked Auburn's ass, you turned around and pumped your fist at me, in the seats that I found that didn't have a big dickhead sitting behind them, as if I was supposed to like you because the Wave were winning. Screw you and go to hell. I've never even seen you at a game before. I've been going for 5 years. I'm going to sit wherever I want next time, jerk.

Excuse spelling and grammatical errors in Wave-related posts. By typing quickly with utter disregard for readability - my hope is to impart my hype-ness. Editing would just ruin that, and it would also require that I spend more time on this... I have to go now.

6 comments:

oyster said...

Alright, you've officially got me excited. I'll hop on your bandwagon and will yearn for your LSU game prediction to come true.

Leigh C. said...

Auburn's certainly taken it in the 'nads more than once today. Ouch.

jeffrey said...

While I find Tulane fanndom (fannery?) a strange way to occupy one's time, I should tell you that you would have thoroughly enjoyed the Perry Clark era (prior to Finney) when the team was a more regular national contender.

One season Clark made a splash with a platoon basketball gimmick wherein he would sub all five players at once. The sub group, which would enter the game for short four or five minute bursts specifically for the purpose of raising the tempo and playing more full-court press, became nicknamed "The Posse". Heady times.

At about that same time Tulane had a pretty hot cross-town rivalry with UNO. The program there has also had its moments of glory particularly under Tim Floyd during the early 90s.

Also, did you know the Tulane basketball program was given the "death penalty" during the 80s as a result of a point-shaving scandal involving John "Hot Rod" Williams?

Let's see... what else can I tell you about Tulane? Well, they wear green and they play Uptown and.... oh yeah.. they're due to get spanked very badly by John Brady's LSU squad this season.

E said...

Jeffrey, you have been suspended from this blog for 12 hours. You don't think I know about the point-shaving scandal? You don't think I know about the Posse? LSU will be destroyed by the scrappy Green Wave.

jeffrey said...

Aw, Man! I was just talking Tulane basketball at ya. I thought you were from Philly, didn't know how long you'd been following them.

E said...

We can still be friends Jeffrey, just two more hours left in your suspension.